I recently went for a walk down to the Grand Haven pier not sure why but it just felt like the right thing to do. I was feeling quite stressed but yet very relaxed, so confusing, and it was snowing softly and quietly good weather for walking. As I started walking, following those that had taken this trip before I noticed that the pavement was rather flat, still covered in 2 inches of ice, decieving to the naked eye. Yet I still wandered over to the edge to look over the railing at the passing slush flow. An awe inspiring sight, but all I could think about was how cold it was and that there was no one around, not even to hear my cries if something should happen. to my surprise this did not scare me, it came upon me almost as if that was my fate. As I began to imagine jumping and freezing, alone, I continued my walk down to the pier, still there was no usuall storm ridden, ice covered walkway, it seemed almost inviting. I got about 20 feet from solid ground before I got this feeling that something was lurking behind me, turning around i saw that i was the only one around. Odd, the feeling was starting to bother me, not that i had that eeire feeling that someone was behind me but that i did not care. the wind had picked up and it was almost as if it was pulling me to the end of the pier, not pushing, i felt like i was being coaxed. i was not afraid or nervous rather i began to think about jumping. normally when i think of this i think of people that i will miss or will miss me or i have some terrible overwhelming problem and i see no way out. this time was different, i felt nothing. empty. souless. i dont think i am depressed it was as if i wasnt thinking at all. most of the time these thoughts of jumping or what not ( not to say that i do them often, but i have been curious) are lead out of anger, sadness, lonliness, or confusion but i felt nothing, i was calm and had no reason to think these thoughts. very confusing. the wind got worse as i started to walk away. i knew i had to get home to let matt in and i knew i had to study, but i had no fear, emotion, or care. i felt.......souless. i wish there were people out here that want to hang out and be friends with me, i feel so caged sometimes, matts here once and a while but when he's not here i feel nothing. if i felt lonely or sad that would be one thing but i feel nothing.
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